Do Hillbillies Talk Funny?

Do Hillbillies Talk Funny?

This piece could have been titled Interview With A Hillbilly

I was led back down a long hall way that separated the storage side of the barns from the rest. The last doorway on the left. A shadow in the shape of a man. The room is dark. He begins to speak, his voice garbled and disguised electronically.

My guide is explaining about the interview process but the mysterious figure is already talking. “Shh! Listen!”

The guide says, “Ha ha he talks funny,” and then continues to ramble about the coffee down at the cafe.

I heard the mysterious figure expounding upon the deepest secrets and mysteries of the universe but I forgot to write any of it down because my guide was talking too much. “Shut up and Listen! I want to write down what he says!”

And here, friends and neighbors, is what that crazy hillbilly said:

When I was just a baby I used to cry every day because I wasn’t a hillbilly. Why did mom and dad have to go to the wrong side of the river just before I was

May 2nd, 2011 by Clem Bob 

The Click Clack Slide Ghost

The Click Clack Slide Ghost

One night, a mother told her own daughter to go buy some milk and she also told her to watch out for the railroad tracks. While the girl was crossing the railroad tracks, one of shoes got stuck and suddenly, she saw a train coming in the distance, she was still struggling to get her foot off the tracks, and the train was coming closer… and closer. Until, the train hit her, she lost both her legs but no one ever saw the poor little girl ever again.

Many years after that, there was another mother and told her own daughter to go and buy 3 bottles of milk. After that, when the girl came back, the mother was angry and said ‘You only bought 2 bottles of milk!’ And the mother decided that the little girl should be punished, and said that the girl should sleep outside for the night in the tent and said ‘and watch out for the click clack slide…’

So that night, while the girl was sleeping, something woke her up. She heard a noise from outside…click clack slide… click …

March 12th, 2010 by Clem Bob 

My Holler Is Scary

It all started when I was about three years old. My family and I moved into a big green house in Portsmouth Virginia. Once we moved in and got settled we started to hear footsteps coming from the front door going upstairs, and you could hear it walking around in the bedrooms.

The house was over ninety years old back in 1986 and we lived there for eleven years. My father said that the noises we were hearing was the house settling but in ninety years it should have settled a long time ago. The house was by a church that was haunted.

When I got older my mother told me the story about the church. The ghost in the church was that of a man who was murdered in there. He was the piano player and he was staying late to practice and somebody came in and chopped him up.

My friend and I were cleaning the church one night when we heard a noise coming from up stairs where they found him so we went to investigate. When we got to the top …

April 21st, 2009 by Clem Bob 

Run Away To Live With The Hillbillies

When I was a kid growing up in Kentucky we all thought that hillbillies came from Georgia and Tennessee. We had no idea that we were hillbillies ourselves. Heck, we were just regular, ordinary people, well educated on the ways of the world and just as sophisticated as anyone else in the hollow.

I remember us sitting around watching the Beverly Hillbillies on TV. That was the first time I had ever seen these funny people. I asked my mother, “Are hillbillies really like that?” She told me they sure were and that she had actually talked to one of them when she went down to Lake Norris in Tennessee about 20 years ago. He talked real funny and she could barely understand what he was saying. “Is that where they live?” I asked her. That was how I found out that hillbillies were real people and they lived in Tennessee and Georgia mostly. …

January 30th, 2009 by Clem Bob 

Hillbilly Ways To Recycle And Be Green

Hillbillies have always recycled and been green!

Written by Granny Corder (A real live hillbilly woman!)

Although, “green” is the new in thing, hillbillies have always been green and done their part to eliminate waste from the local roadside dumps. Us hillbillies re-use everything we can until it can’t be used no more! And, then we still use it for something else. Us hillbillies are very creative!
 
1. When we eat corn on the cob, we’ve always used the cobs for all kinds of other useful things. We’ve made pipes out of them to smoke our homegrown tobacco. Used them for toilet paper in the outhouse and even stuck some twigs on them and made reindeers for Christmas decorations or toys!

2. When hillbillies strangle a chicken or a rooster to make that delicious Sunday chicken and dumpling dinner, we don’t allow no waste. Some hillbillies wouldn’t have even had a mattress or a pillow if it weren’t for chicken feathers! …

January 24th, 2009 by Clem Bob 

Funny Hillbilly Stereotypes

The list of hillbilly stereotypes is long and mostly undeserved. It is not true that every hillbilly kills their dinner with their old pickup truck. It is not true that they’re all related or uneducated. They’re not stuck out in the middle of nowhere anymore either. They have come to live in the big cities, everywhere. They shop at grocery stores and watch the same TV we all do. Though our views of the world may differ from that of a true hillbilly, we do still live in the same world. Actually, we all live in the same country.

For all the processed meats in a can, what is so wrong with wanting to know where your food comes from? At least if you hit the possum, you know what wood it lived in and you don’t have to worry about additives that can kill you. Sure beats reading all them labels at the store, but hillbillies actually shop at Wal-Mart with the rest of us. Why go through all that trouble of sitting and waiting for a possum to cross the road? …

January 18th, 2009 by Clem Bob 
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