I was led back down a long hall way that separated the storage side of the barns from the rest. The last doorway on the left. A shadow in the shape of a man. The room is dark. He begins to speak, his voice garbled and disguised electronically.

My guide is explaining about the interview process but the mysterious figure is already talking. “Shh! Listen!”

The guide says, “Ha ha he talks funny,” and then continues to ramble about the coffee down at cafe.

I heard the mysterious figure expounding upon the deepest secrets and mysteries of the universe but I forgot to write any of it down because my guide was talking too much. “Shut up and Listen! I want to write down what he says!”

And here, friends and neighbors, is what he said:

When I was just a baby I used to cry every day because I wasn’t a hillbilly. Why did mom and dad have to go to the wrong side of the river just before I was born? How …

Many years after that, there was another mother and told her own daughter to go and buy 3 bottles of milk. After that, when the girl came back, the mother was angry and said ‘You only bought 2 bottles of milk!’ And the mother decided that the little girl should be punished, and said that the girl should sleep outside for the night in the tent and said ‘and watch out for the click clack slide…’

So that night, while the girl was sleeping, something woke her up. She heard a noise from outside…click clack slide… click …

Why thank ya Merly Jean, no dont write that. Well Ok leave it in then. Lawd that child! Now that I am a famous person on the innernet I figgered I wud tell yall bout a special recipe we got fer making the best delishusest biscits and gravy you ever seed. If n you like to eat atall yore gonna love my recipe. Now mind ya it haint nuthin faincy, just old fashuned good home cookin.

Most a yall probly gots one a them new fangled ovens whuts got that radio dial lookin thang that tells ya how hot it is in thar. My Henry took an bawt me one back in 19 and 78 and it was the ornriest thang ta get use to. But I like it jess fine now. When I start gittin reddy ta make my biscits and gravy I reach over thar and turn that nob up to 450 so …

The house was over ninety years old back in 1986 and we lived there for eleven years. My father said that the noises we were hearing was the house settling but in ninety years it should have settled a long time ago. The house was by a church that was haunted.

When I got older my mother told me the story about the church. The ghost in the church was that of a man who was murdered in there. He was the piano player and he was staying late to practice and somebody came in and chopped him up.

My friend and I were cleaning the church one night when we heard a noise coming from up stairs where they found him so we went to investigate. When we got to the top …

I remember us sitting around watching the Beverly Hillbillies on TV. That was the first time I had ever seen these funny people. I asked my mother, “Are hillbillies really like that?” She told me they sure were and that she had actually talked to one of them when she went down to Lake Norris in Tennessee about 20 years ago. He talked real funny and she could barely understand what he was saying. “Is that where they live?” I asked her. That was how I found out that hillbillies were real people and they lived in Tennessee and Georgia mostly.

I thought hillbillies were funny, but they seemed to be real nice people. One evening after watching a few hours straight of the Beverly Hillbillies marathon my cousin, my brother and …

My furst problim was I never did larn to read nor write, but I have a grand youngin named Merly Jean that kin write so these here words are her a writin down what I’m a tellin her.

Well let me tell you what I was mad to my soul when I lissened to my young Merly Jean read what was on this here website. If y’all dont stop makin funna us hill folks I’m a gonna get my Merly Jean to hep me make my own website and tell everbody not to go to that hillbilly crackpot website …

Written by Granny Corder (A real live hillbilly woman!)

Although, “green” is the new in thing, hillbillies have always been green and done their part to eliminate waste from the local roadside dumps. Us hillbillies re-use everything we can until it can’t be used no more! And, then we still use it for something else. Us hillbillies are very creative!
 
1. When we eat corn on the cob, we’ve always used the cobs for all kinds of other useful things. We’ve made pipes out of them to smoke our homegrown tobacco. Used them for toilet paper in the outhouse and even stuck some twigs on them and made reindeers for Christmas decorations or toys!

2. When hillbillies strangle a chicken or a rooster to make that delicious Sunday chicken and dumpling dinner, we don’t allow no waste. Some hillbillies wouldn’t have even had a mattress or a pillow if it weren’t for chicken feathers!

And, we don’t waste any parts of the chicken either. We eat the backs and the necks. Heck, my mother-in-laws favorite part of …

For all the processed meats in a can, what is so wrong with wanting to know where your food comes from? At least if you hit the possum, you know what wood it lived in and you don’t have to worry about additives that can kill you. Sure beats reading all them labels at the store, but hillbillies actually shop at Wal-Mart with the rest of us. Why go through all that trouble of sitting and waiting for a possum to cross the road?

Ever meet …

One morning around the break of daylight a farmer went to his barn to tend his animals. When he walked up the hill and came around to the barn he saw a strange sight. There was this fella, about 16 years old, standing on a metal lard bucket (Yep, we used to get lard in a big metal bucket!). The bucket was turned upside down and was situated at the rear end of one of the old man’s cows. You may have already guessed it, but if not, ole Larry was servicing that heifer in a special way. When he saw the old man he jumped off that bucket with his pants around his ankles and tripped and fell before finally getting up and running away. Too late, the …

To most of America, a Hillbilly is a person, usually white, uneducated, and living in the southern United States. The word Hillbilly is sometimes used as an insult, but more commonly it’s used in a joking fashion.

A common stereotype of Hillbilly life is that we are all inbred. Ask your self this: Is everyone in the south hideously deformed? If you answered yes, LEAVE NOW. My purpose here is to disprove all the unfair stereotypes that Hillbillies are forced to live with. All (ok, most) of these stereotypes are completely false.

A common myth is that all hillbillies live in the middle of the woods, and eat whatever they accidentally hit in their car. This is true!*

*Okay, no, it’s not true. But it is realistic. If you think about it, roadkill would be pretty tasty. When you, as a northerner, eat your fancy little pre-packaged veggie burger, not only are you slowly diminishing your manhood (quite literally …

Some years ago I was working with the maintenance crew at a hospital. During the summer they hired extra men, mostly for landscaping, and that was when we met Bob. Bob was in his late 40s and was about 5 foot 4 and around 120 pounds. His face and hands were reddened and weathered. You could tell he had had a fairly rough life.

Bob told us that he had spent a lot of years hitch hiking around and working on various farms from Georgia up into Kentucky. He then told us that he had had sex with just about any farm animal you could mention, but his favorite was a sheep. He told us in some detail of his nefarious adventures with such mates as goats, horses, cows, and …

Often people will make comments like, “I wouldn’t want to live down there because there’s nothing to do.” Well, unfortunately or not depending upon what you like, Hillbilly country is not the wilderness some may expect, at least not any more. Whether you are in Kentucky, West Virginia, Tennessee or some other state in the Hillbilly Nation you see pretty much the same shopping malls/centers, bars and clubs, fast food restaurants, arenas, etc as you do anywhere else. Heck we even have universities, airports …

It’s true! The kids today have it so much easier than “we” did. It isn’t uncommon at all for a kid to have their own cell phone, a TV, stereo, game systems, computer, etc. in their room. When I was that age I had to carry feed to the live stock and draw water from a well (and it was uphill both ways).

NOTE: If you are a kid continue reading, you will need to know this stuff whenever you have your own children.

There was one telephone in the house and it was for important stuff. If we wanted to have a conversation …

The most well known hillbilly show, of course, was the Beverly Hillbillies. Many other fine educational programs designed to inform the world about the fine points of hillbilly life were produced over the years. Millions of people learned what a hillbilly was and how they behaved while they sat in front of their TVs. It was educational programming for the non-hillbilly (hillbilly challenged?) which presented a true life picture of hillbilly behavior.

Great educational classics such as Li’l Abner and Ma and Pa Kettle paved the way for a brighter future for humanity by providing the world with a historically and culturally accurate depiction of the hillbilly in his (or her) native habitat.

One of my favorite programs was Hee Haw which was hosted by Buck Owens and Roy Clark and featured both the ugliest and the prettiest of the hillbilly women folk as well as the smartest and the dumbest hillbillies in …

I have visited the Hillbilly Days festival a few times and I have to tell you that I am not too impressed by it. But that’s just me. The only part I really enjoyed for myself was the live bluegrass music and of course it is fun to watch the kids have fun.

As far as I can tell Hillbilly Days is just like any other festival I have checked out – over commercialized. Maybe it has always been that way, but it seems like when I was a kid there was a lot more to a festival than vendors selling highly over priced souvenirs and food.

I’m really not sure what big orange panties and big clown polka dotted ties have to do with hillbillies, but hey it looks like they are having some fun there.

Well, I didn’t  intend on bumming you out about this festival but if I didn’t and ya wanna read more about Hillbilly Days here …

Some of you may recall an old Li’l Abner movie in which they celebrated Sadie Hawkins Day. In the movie all of the single men were running for the hills trying to escape the ugliest women. Any man who was caught was doomed to marry the woman who cornered him and let me tell you, the uglier and more desperate the woman was the harder she tried!

The first appearance of Sadie Hawkins Day was in the Li’l Abner strip on November of 1937 and for 40 years after that the citizens of Dog Patch endured Sadie Hawkins Day. Capp named the day in honor of Sadie Hawkins, the ugliest woman known, and it was her who worked the hardest to catch a man on this …

Naturally I would expect the answers to these questions to be crazy, and in truth I think that all of us are crazy. If you don’t think you are crazy then you’re crazy!

What makes someone crazy? That is, what is it about someone that would cause you to call them crazy? Generally speaking if someone else has viewpoints and practices that are much different than your own they are crazy. I know of a man who talked to the birds, rocks and trees. I suppose that isn’t a bad thing, we all talk to our pets and even our plants. I even talk to my computer when it acts up and usually not very politely! But the thing about this guy was that the birds, …

30 years ago gas was right around a buck a gallon, yes I have actually seen the gallons roll by on the pump faster than the dollars,  but just a few months ago we were paying over $4 per gallon.

All in all $1.65 or so seems cheap for gasoline. When gas prices get ridiculous like $3 people start thinking more about miles per dollar than miles per gallon, I know I was.

The Christmas holiday is coming up now and I just wonder, will they jack the prices back up so they can make more profits this season?…